thirtysomething

retired

2011-12-29T15:20:00.000-08:00

my new home: http://www.megsinkcpart2.blogspot.com/

i was on another friend's blog the other day, (yes. i do check this all the time. don't worry, i'm stalking you all.), and i noticed out of the corner of my eye- "thirtysomething- updated 7 months ago" SEVEN!

worst. blogger. ever.

life is good, dear friends. ridiculously, amazingly, undeservingly good. too much to tell you about....but good enough to retire this blog. i think it represents a certain phase of life that has come to a close. there's been lots to celebrate- but lots of grief and moving forward is wrapped up in these posts. i'm glad i'll have them to look back on, but it's time to shut er' down.

from now on- you can get updates here: http://www.megsinkcpart2.blogspot.com/ this little gem will be full of all the things i love to fill my friends' bellies with....nothing really brings me to life more than making pretty and delicious things. so- a new leaf!

i've been working on some updates to my apartment. in about a week it will all be done and i'll have great things to share. until then....try to hold onto the supsense.

dear mom

2011-05-07T16:17:00.000-07:00

mama,

i have known all my life that you wanted a little girl named "megan noel" and a little boy named "kevin alan". you wanted us more than anything. (dad too, but today this is about you.)

you are an exceptional mother. after teaching all day, i do not know how you always entered our home in the evening with a smile on your face. ready to cook dinner, or take us to music lessons, or boy scouts, or 4H, or a school project. you always put aside your own needs to make sure we had all the experiences life had to offer. only to have to somehow manage to get us out of bed the next morning for school. (not an easy task, i know.)

you have modeled a life of humility, service, love and loyalty. and while your genes have given me curly hair, good vocal chords, and artistic ability- the way i've seen you live your life has offered me so much more.

i'm so thankful for many life lessons. most of all, i thank the Lord every day that you taught us to live without prejudice. from the time i was a child, i can remember you making it very clear to me that color/economic status/sexual orientation/religion were not ways to define people. it was very important that we understood all people were to be treated with kindness and love. prejudice and judgement were not acceptable behaviors in our home. thank you.

honestly mama, thank you for so many things. thank you for life. and i don't mean just for giving birth to me, i mean for bringing me back to life these last 2 years.

i mean, what would i have done without you? honestly. you stepped in- like a warrior. right in front of me. made decisions when i couldn't. gave me the strength to leave. i honestly thought i wasn't going to make it. but with the care you offered, and the strength the Lord gave you, you did it.

i love you. i love it that you are my friend. i love speaking honestly with you. i love spending time with you. i love watching you walk with the Lord. i love watching you worship Him with your friends. i love it the most when you pray over me on the phone.

happy mother's day. i will see you on wednesday. and we will celebrate you!

just so i can laugh at this in ten years.

2011-02-23T14:23:00.001-08:00

it is no secret that april joy seehorn is one of my favorite people on this planet. she is, for lack of a better word, my 'wing-man'.

we're pretty funny together. zac always says we're like a circus side show. and other people have said we have a 'secret language'. i think it's safe to say you could think it's an act we put on to entertain our friends...but just so you know we's always be keepin' it real. here is a recent text conversation:

april: your bf, JT, is a dbag. have you read perez?

me: no

april: one of your boyfriends will not let your other boyfriend sing his songs. i think they're fighting over you.

**me: quickly log onto perezhilton.com and find out that justin timberlake (my boyfriend) will not sign over his rights to his songs to be sung on glee...(by corey monteith, my other boyfriend.) the horror, gasp.**

me: you're right. they are. it's sad.

april: i think you should have a sit down with them and explain you have enough love to go around...and be sure they're shirtless during your conversation.

me: i like the way you think. you know me so well.

and this is how we do.

resilience.

2011-01-31T22:02:00.000-08:00

this is lily. she is four. i love her. two years ago...i said often, 'she's the only smart thing i did in two years.' i'll still stand by that statement. lil makes people laugh. she doesn't shed and she doesn't smell. she doesn't wine or bark. she walks off leash and she never runs away. she happily gets in her 'hut' when i go to work. in fact, my dog is so cool that people come to my house when i'm not home just to hang out with her. i could go on....

i've been thinking about this because a family i love has had to find a new home for their sweet, sweet dog. (i'm not one of those bloggers that feels it is my place to provide some sort of 'link' or tell you their story, so i won't.) just know that as they have faced loss and grief, their dog has also shared this burden with them, and is no longer healthy and happy. they have found her a new home. this is so sad. i have cried as i read these last posts from my friend. cried because i love their dog. cried because i'm so sad they face yet another loss and transition. but i celebrate their decision to do what is best, even though it is hard to say goodbye.

in praying for them and hoping for them, i've found myself reflecting on lily. and how thankful i am for her resilience. i mean, she was initially raised in a home full of lots and lots of male yelling. (she is somewhat afraid of men, still. but getting better.) and when i left my husband i gave her to my mom for awhile because i was worried he would steal her. she lived with me again after i got my apartment. and now, she pops back and forth between my house and my moms depending on the weather or my travels. and she is so happy.

i'm thankful for her. she has sat with me through these years of grief and moving on. it may sound silly, but she has provided lots of joy and lots of fun during initially lonely times. she sleeps at my feet as i write this, and i just have to take a moment to thank the Lord for her companionship. and her ability to adapt to different environments in stressful situations.

as the saying goes, she may not be my best friend, but she is a good friend, indeed.

happy birthday, mama

2010-12-24T16:29:00.000-08:00

let me start by saying, my mother despises being the center of attention. parties, presents, any sort of adoration....these things make her VERY uncomfortable.

i decided to throw mom a party this year. she's a Christmas day baby. so it's rare that it would work out for me to be home early to plan something. i ALSO decided not to tell her. her friends all kept calling me..."is this a surprise?" my answer, "no, i just don't want to be the one to break the news. she'll get mad at me." i just hoped someone else would tell her. she finally found out sometime last weekend, it didn't go over well, but she finally let it go.

her best friend, said it best in an email the morning of the 23rd:

"Have fun at your party today....Humble servants can enjoy their own birthday parties because their friends receive a blessing by celebrating with their special friend."

here are a few pictures.

my mom has amazing friends. amazing. women that point her to Jesus and have walked so closely with her through the years. they have the most amazing relationship. it is something to aspire to when i am older. thank the Lord, for the many, many women in my mom's life. i suppose around 30 people were able to make the celebration.

i cooked lots and lots of food.

i made these gift bags as favors for coming. the flowers are actually pins. (you can see the ladies wearing them in the first picture.) i don't know what i was thinking when i took on all 30 of them. april helped me cut all the petals. i'll have to pay for her doctor's bill someday when she has arthritis. in the bags are MARSHMALLOWS! did you know you could make marshmallows?? you can! so much fun! highly recommended!

and also thanks to april, i made these beautiful cupcakes! they were a big hit.

happy 65th birthday, mama. i love you the mostest.

dear kellie,

2010-12-12T12:59:00.001-08:00

there are things i could not say to you when i said goodbye today. because i could not speak. but, i want you to know...

you are my best friend.

i have cherished our moments of worship this summer. together, singing old praise songs at the church you married in. also sitting in the living room, and if i shut my eyes tight enough, it felt like Cairo with the sounds of matt leading us on his guitar. telling myself to remember this moment, because it will not come again soon. knowing that one day, we will stand before Jesus and sing for eternity. thinking how sweet it will be.

and with maya. the sweet, squishy, blue eyed girl. you are an amazing mother. the kind of mother and friend that makes me feel like i can fit in that world somehow. the kind of that makes people feel valuable and important, even though your world has changed with that little person in your life. and she will know what is important, and what is not. because you will ask yourself 1,000 times what is right for her, and when you finally decide, it will be just what she needs. she is blessed to have you both.

and to see you in love. priceless. my heart is overwhelmed with the love in your marriage. i am so thankful beyond words. i sit and watch you both sometimes, and try to tell the story in my head. i mean, how did this ACTUALLY happen? i remember talking with matt, and talking with you, and the waiting....and now this. such a testament to God's faithfulness.

i'm so happy you are living the life you were designed for. chasing hard after it. investing in the lives of those around you. pursuing others with genuine interest and love. He will change the world with your love for others. they will meet you and not forget you. they will wonder why you were kind to them. why you cared. no one can meet you and not see something special in you.

thank you for giving me so much of your time these few months. i know it is precious. and in return, i feel so special to have had these days and weekends.

i am thankful for it all. sharing a room. sharing a house. sharing a strange, large, lost city. walking along the Great Wall with you. riding in that taxi, wondering how we would ever find our way back. having matching pajama pants. snorkeling in many bodies of water, trying to drown you in all of them. watching the storm nearly tear hawaii down, talking about how i felt like that uprooted tree. sleeping in the grand prix on the side of the road. going to the lake and pulling the broken boat back to shore. lots and lots and lots of boys and broken hearts. knowing that matt was the one. throwing a fit when i was not ready for him to invade my hawaiin vacation. walking down the isle. sending you off to atlanta. eating at pretty restaurants with flowers on the plates. loving each of your siblings for such special and different reasons. sitting with your teary mama over a christmas lunch as she sent gifts off to china. muslin. goats. snowed in porches. cigarettes and wine coolers. being broken, honest, and vulnerable. a card you sent me after my dad died. the tears we shared at the end of my marriage.

you are family, to me. i love you. i will miss you.

until we hug again,

megs

two months.

2010-12-08T16:51:00.001-08:00

i haven't blogged in two months. lame.

but i've been reading your blogs. i love it.

i could tell you all the wonderful things i've been up to. but that seems impossible.

instead, i'll tell you the highlight reel:

i got to see justin play on a big stage in front of lots of people with matt and april. highlight.

i've had sweet, sweet times with kel before they head back to a far away land. highlight.

i continue to spend my sunday evenings with those i love around the dinner table. and snuggled up on my couches watching our favorite serial killer. highlight.

i went to manhattan and loved on my sturm friends. highlight.

i watched my brother complete his first 5k. highlight.

i got the most beautiful oil painting from someone i respect and admire. and it's hanging on my wall. highlight.

there are a couple others that i can't quite let out of the bag yet. but soon, very soon.

it will be a blog heard around the world on that day.

love.

a thought. before i forget it.

2010-10-01T06:36:00.000-07:00

i've expressed before that a season i love has been dismantled by two sorrowful anniversaries. i don't really love august or september anymore. i more frequently find myself to be a subconscious basket case and a little less motivated.

no more than 5 days separate the day i left my marriage and the day my father died. but, that's not the point.

two years ago, i would have said that the failure of my marriage (that specific moment, the leaving part and the days thereafter) was much more painful than losing my father. i don't remember feeling actual physical pain when my dad died, or the lack of ability to breathe. i felt both when i left mario. however, at this point in time, the absence of my father is much more painful than i remember the leaving.

i'm not sure if it is because the blessed quietness of my life currently does not mask the absence of him as the chaos of years past has? or i can't hear his voice as much as i used to? i have so much sorrow in the midst of the missing him.

anyway, i miss my dad. praise be to Jesus that i will see him again.

it's over? really?

2010-09-12T10:28:00.001-07:00

i can't believe the summer is gone. i know it's gone because it's dark when i wake up in the morning, and dark at 8pm. boo. boo, to dark.

the other day i said, "this has been the best summer i've had in....years." (calculating....) "four years to be exact."explanation? four years ago, my dad was sick. sick. and in mid-june he was diagnosed with cancer and given two months to live. hence, the onset of worst summer ever. the following summers ensued marriage and meanness, the last summer was my first without mario or my dad. so this summer? with lots of healing behind me, it left for a world of fun.

i have laughed. a lot. i mean, so much. i laughed yesterday at the pool with the boys and april. and i don't even remember what we were laughing at.

i have had sweet, sweet, time with jess and kellie. i mean, the kind of time that makes me wish the heavens were near. that makes me think, THIS is what it will be like. sort of. soon, it will be months before i can hug either of them, but the phone will do.

i went camping. bless the folks that went along with this idea. they knew my heart longed for camping. they went. they had fun. it was a memory for the record books.

the sturm's came. again, memorable. i love them. they really are my family. in so many ways. i love brian and min. and those four little people they made. with all their personalities and quirks and differences. precious.

i went to grown up prom with ben, todd and ape. (not really, it was jazzoo.) but we dressed up, and pretended we could afford to be there. and ate too much. and acted silly.

i swam. a lot. and layed in the sun. glorious.

anyway, that's that. too many things to find my favs. and now i'm tired of blogging and thinking.

hot dogs, hot dogs everywhere.

2010-08-18T21:54:00.000-07:00

i didn't take many pictures tonight. which is a relief for poor kevin. (i'm not sure that he finds the photo sessions that torturous, but in little brother fashion, my brother would hate it. thus, the previous statement.)

we went to the k. a first for kev, a kansas city first for matt, and a long overdue return for kel. it was grand. they played great. the hot dogs were a dollar. (and sodas!) and we laughed and had a good time.

enjoy the tales in photo.

THIS is what happens when i tell matt to smile.........

this is the beginning of the hot dog madness.....

in true china fashion...a couple tourist photos......

and some sweet moments with good friends and family.....

and yes. we did in fact consume 12 hot dogs total. i'll let you add the fingers and do the math.

good night!

(and i still have lots of great pics to post from the weekend, but i'll save that for another day.)

most importantly

2010-08-16T18:39:00.000-07:00

we did lots of things this weekend. all things important in life, really. like- the deli, and del rio, and otto's, and scrabble, and back rubs, and long talks, and laughing....

but mostly, maya and i just got to be good, good friends.

to be continued.

the waiting is over.

2010-08-13T06:44:00.001-07:00

i will hug her in about 12 hours. it's been too long. i feel like i've lived a lifetime in these last 3 and a half years. and i've needed her. and though most of it's better now, it still feels like something has been missing.

i'm so excited.

adventures in colo-rectal surgery. (part 1)

2010-08-05T16:54:00.000-07:00

my job is easy, really. i do whatever needs done. i don't take it home with me.

patients, however, are complex. they are sick, scared, and unknowing of what to expect. some of them smell and some of them are weird. sure, there are hemorrhoids and constipation and things that will go away. but there is also cancer and HIV and permanent ostomy bags. it's overwhelming really.

i have the opportunity to love others well. to remind them they are heard and valued. i'd like to say i do that all the time, but i don't. it shouldn't be hard. i don't know why i get in the way, but i seem to make it awfully difficult.

a few weeks ago 'jane' came in the office. i don't really remember why she was there. she was truly odd, and i was uncomfortable.

when i finally got her all situated and turned to walk away, she pulled a massive album out of her purse and said, "want to see my pride and joy? i've got bragging rights." i quickly told her i didn't have time. so she sat down and waited. and my time freed up. and still she sat. i don't know why it was so hard for me to go sit with her and look through her dang album. but it was. i'd like to say it was love overflowing that finally motivated me to get up and sit with her. but it wasn't. it was total guilt. a wave of revealed selfishness and carelessness. this was not who i was supposed to be.

i got up and sat next to her. "all right, 'jane', let's see this!" in the end, to make this woman feel valued, took a total of ten minutes of my life.

'jane' showed me her album. it was about six inches thick and full of HUGE embroidery pieces she had made. like, five feet tall. most of them designed herself. she lives alone, with her two birds. she has five sisters, two of them are still alive and her companions. her husband is gone. recently her sweet landlord came and installed a window unit for these hot summer months. "a life saver." she survived breast cancer. and now, one more person has marveled her work. (my sweet dr. looked at them, too.)

thank you, Jesus, for allowing me to crawl out of myself and be some sort of resemblance of You.

i had to call her today to follow up on her surgical care, and she said with a laugh, "tell the dr. i don't hate him." what?!? she said, "the last time i saw him before surgery he said, you're not going to like me for a few days after this." oh, right. "i haven't felt this good in years......." (enter a tangent that lasted forever.) ok, well, i look forward to seeing you tomorrow.

and i actually meant it.

so bad it's good

2010-08-01T12:36:00.000-07:00

i'd like to send a small shout out to the trendsetters that paved the way in making these colors acceptable for summer wear. i'm not sure who you are, or what made you so ballsy that one fine day, but thank you.

i'd like to say i'm daring enough to paint my nails blue or green without you blazing the trail, but i'm not. in fact, in a few months (**oh please be at least a year**) when women of the world resort back to pinks and reds, i will follow. for i am one that likes to blend in and follow in the fashion world. (what? it's the midwest.)

but for now, i will joyfully go to my color box and try to choose between "lavender lights" and "midnight rush". and paint my nails more often than necessary because i have every color under the rainbow. and enjoy it to the fullest.

next, i would appreciate it if you would address leg warmers. those might be fun for a stint.

voices in my head. (no, i'm not crazy.)

2010-07-27T18:17:00.000-07:00

far too much of me gives a rip about my identity. to others. i never really contemplated it much until i no longer liked the things for which i am now identified.

divorce.

welcome. to. my. present. life.

and the sunny-smiley comment about this i suppose we most hear is "mistakes don't make you who you are." (load of crap.) i mean, it's not a total load. i believe with all my heart that Jesus covers us. and in theory, we can see each other through new eyes. yes. but it just doesn't work out that way. not 100%. flawed little piles of flesh, are we.

there's always a new leg of this race i'm running. but the one theme that keeps repeating itself is that sooner or later, i have to forgive myself. i have to move on. but how can i? it seems nearly impossible when i see it all staring me back in the face through others.

and the second i tell myself that, my brain follows with these thoughts, in this order. exactly. please, crawl into my brain for a moment:

#1- i am the only one that can accept grace.

**ok. got it.**

#2- people make me feel like i don't quite belong.

**start to freak out internally**

#3- people aren't judging you megan, it's all in your head.

**it's ok, just chill.**

#4- yes, they are! not all of them, but some of them. and i can feel it. like, in their stare feel it. **i knew it! i never should have come here!**

#5- no matter how much i can forgive myself, i can't control others around me.

**meh, screw it.**

and thus, the battle. i hate it. it used to keep me from going to church. or engaging with others. but it doesn't anymore. some sort of miraculous intervention occurred a few months back. in fact, i found myself brave enough to join a small group. (i tried every excuse in the book, and finally just went.)

through sobs and tears with jess one night late on the phone the truth of the matter really came out. "i mean, did you think, way back when, that THIS would be MY life??!?" she said, "nope. never."

the reality is, i didn't either. and now that THIS is my story, it's awfully hard to embrace it.

it's not about being single. or unmarried. i rather enjoy those things, actually. for now, maybe always. it's not about being cheated on. that was his deal. his choices had nothing to do with me. they were not a reflection of who i who i was, or am. at all. infidelity and abuse- his fault. his choice.

it's about the failing. the failing to CHOOSE the right thing. i married someone who was not my equal. spiritually or emotionally. period. i made a wrong choice, and somehow, in my mind, it means that i deserved what i got. it means that somehow my grief isn't as valid as a friend who has lost a child. that wasn't their fault. but this was mine.

and then comes the staring. or the rumors. or the gossip. and i assure you, it's out there. i've heard it all. and it's embarrassing and humiliating and horrible.

and no matter what, those two things are very true and very real to me. so i suppose you could say, divorce isn't my identity, but it kind of is. for now.

and though i'm not okay with the failing or the title, i've found the journey doable. and not defeating or destructive. i'm finding grace a little more each day. and that the things that were scary, aren't.

and now, i'm going to keep going. starting with small group tomorrow night. again.

for abbe.

2010-07-19T16:20:00.000-07:00

please pray for my dear, dear friend abbe. her family is struggling through disappointment, heartbreak, (and yet in love with Jesus), continue to put their hope in the One who heals.

i don't normally blog about others. i sort of feel like when disappointment comes, it's not really my business to share things, but knowing that abbe makes her struggle known for intercession, i feel ok with this.

and in her honor, i'm deciding to share something that has been on my heart for some time. i've never wanted to point out something creepy, or be a debbie-downer, or make you all paranoid. but in honor of abbe, and the love i have for each of you and your children, i impart this story, and ask you to please consider this as you post pictures of your children on the world wide web.

i'm not a mom. i don't know what it's like. and i don't know the sorts of challenges you face on a daily basis. but a dear friend of mine, who is a mom, shared something with me once that i have never, ever forgotten. i happen to think she's one of the best mom's i know, so heed her advice.

you see, my good friend, posted cutesy pics and videos of her kids when they were little. you know, in the tub with cousins, or getting ready for bed, etc. and then she noticed the number of hits on these posts, compared to others, were higher. impossibly higher. in the hundreds higher. and intuition told her heart to protect her babies. she knew what this meant. so she doesn't do it anymore. which is sad, because she can't share those uber-cute bathtub moments with people that love her kiddos. but as a mom, i know you all want to protect your babies. and everytime i see your cute little kid on a blog in her diaper, i think of this. and get sad. and don't say anything.

but today i'm going to for abbe. and all the sweet friends that would die to protect their babies. and you.

meh. a downer, i know. but i think you should consider it.

ta da! (the new place, a few steps from done.)

2010-07-17T19:35:00.001-07:00

this is mostly for kellie and jess. but if you find yourself far away and bored, enjoy. i'm sure most of you could care less what my apartment looks like. but after months of work and exhaustion, i'm finally home.

let me first introduce my teeny, tiny kitchen. it's sad, really. i have no counter space. but a sacrifice must be made, and these were the terms. i'm safer, it's cheaper, i'm in the woods, etc.

this is the dining area. its a darker shade of purple. i like it. this is the jerk shelf that took me forever to hang.

this is the view from the hole in my kitchen wall. a terrible picture, but i think you get the idea of the space. and this is my rad end table i got at the yard sale. it works in the room, which i was really hoping.

my walls are a gray/purple and the shade in the dining area is just a couple shades more intense on the same color strip.

this is the rad fabric kelly helped me find. i love it. it goes well with everything i had intended for the room.

my bathroom, sort of boring. i think bathrooms are always boring. no?

and my bedroom. remember the end table i pulled out of the dumpster this spring? thats it by my bed. it's black walnut. refinished. it's an ethan allen table i noticed. someone painted it white. silly. but great for me!

that's it. everyone says they feel like they are at the lake when they come over. which is a great compliment. i live in the woods. literally. come visit soon.

summer, summer, summer time.

2010-07-17T19:03:00.000-07:00

well, on thursday night mattie and i went to see adam lambert in concert. (let me preface the following by stating i had won free tickets.) we went to dinner down at p&l and then headed to the show. dinner was the most fun. you'll see mattie and his nasty napkin below. wings and cocktails never make a good combo. needless to say adam lambert was a people watchers DREAM. we were sort of expecting it to be like a gay fashion show, but it wasn't. it was kind of like Twilight mom's gone wild, except for adam lambert. i don't know. the kid can sing. i give him that, but it was much more a drag show. (and i'm a girl that loves a good drag show.)
thanks for coming, mattie! i love your face!

two weeks prior, strange enough, i went to the counting crows show. (funny because kris allen opened.) it was good. but not their best show. too much going on, but we had great seats after a an upgrade from a lovely woman named jocelyn. she felt bad because we were surrounded by drunk, PDA, girls the entire show. it was a redemptive moment. we all enjoyed it.

don't you love how todd looks so overjoyed in all the pictures? april, michael, he and i had a blast.

and these are some of my favorite memories from the sturm invasion 2010. i love these kids. i still can't believe elijah is old enough to ride the big rides. and i still feel like the luckiest girl on the earth to get to spend times like these with them. my life is much richer because of these six individuals. i also can't believe how different their personalities are. SO DIFFERENT. but it's fun getting to know each of them. and i'm thankful that Jesus gives me little moments with them individually. things i know i'll tuck away in my memory forever. AND to my complete devastation elijah revealed he is old enough now that he doesn't remember me living with them. (heartbreak!) i think i shared some of my favorite memories in my earlier post, but i forgot one!!
so, zeke had reached the final frontier and needed a rest. while everyone else was riding rides i took him to a quiet spot and started singing. we started with 'the itsy bitsy spider' and after about 10 times i could not do it anymore. i started taking requests. and the little man said....wait for it....."beat it." (crap! i don't know the words to beat it.) so i just mumbled the tune and kept saying "beat it, beat it, beat it." after that wore itself out, i said, 'what else?' he says....wait for it....'thriller.' (crap! i don't know the words for thriller!!) so 'da,da,da', cause this is thriller, da, da, da." finally he fell asleep. i mean, these are tough requests.

that's it for now. next weekend we go camping in the ozarks and i'm STOKED. after that the summer is kind of, 'meh'.

after things slow down. wichita....here i come. i've got a short list of three little families i'd like to say a quick hello to.

i got one.

2010-07-07T20:28:00.000-07:00

a computer, that is. it's been an ongoing saga, i know. after all that contemplating, what will i do now? one of the year's great dilemma's. solved. bam. perhaps all things in life should go this way?

nope.

well, i've got some sweet pixels of memory in my possession, trapped on my little camera. and someday, oneday, they will make it on to the blogosphere. several of my summer adventures have officially come and gone. most were expected, but a couple surprises here and there.

the sturms? came with thunder and left with a.....clean apartment? really. they cleaned my apartment like little elves on friday while i was at work. my heart still feels really full when elijah calls me aunt megan. i laughed so hard i nearly peed when zeke ripped the plant out of the pot at worlds of fun. and tears of laughter occured while watching cooper nearly jump out of his pants during the last inning of the royals game when the jumbo screen burst into flames and played 'welcome to the jungle' so loud you could hear it miles away. that kid is hard core. hard. core.
it was a good 48 hours. i was exhausted. those kids ate me alive.

i got some good time with jess. a coffee talk that lasted nearly three hours. i honestly cannot remember the last time i had a three hour conversation and didn't look at the clock or wonder where i needed to be. it was good for my heart and soul. that girl knows me. the ugly and the pretty and the somewhere in between. and she's always loved me just the same.

i went to the counting crows concert with some folks. it was good. and weird. and maybe my least favorite of the counting crows shows i've ever been to. i'll have more words and pics on that later.

but for now, i blogged. because? i can! sitting at my table. in my house. with my dog. on the computer the Lord so blessedly provided after much prayer and thought.

p.s.- welcome home, my sweet, sweet kellie. i love knowing that you're reading this NOT across the ocean. for awhile. can't wait to hug you, my friend. (tears.)

ready, set,

2010-05-31T05:44:00.000-07:00

go!

i really should blog more than once a month. i should. but i don't have a computer. which is up for debate currently. hmm. i can't decide. i really can afford only one. my dvr, or a computer? the only reason i really need a computer is to skype with kellie. but she's coming home soon. so maybe i'll wait until she leaves again? i don't know. tangent.

moving on. i have a job. thank you, thank you for praying for me. i work for....(wait for it)....colon and rectal surgeons. yes. i'm serious. the OTHER end. there are many words for what i do now. but most of them seem unprofessional, and i respect medicine way to much for me to tell the interwebs what i think. but mostly i work for GREAT doctors. and that is the most important thing. there are lots of bad doctors. doctors who don't love what they do. or lazy doctors. or uncaring doctors. but my doctors are GOOD doctors. i'm blessed. if you live in the kansas city area, and want a good doctor. ask me, i'll send you to one. i've been around. i've got the scoop.

i had been praying for doctors such as these, and the Lord opened the door to them. i've been there for a couple weeks. and the BEST part? we share a parking lot with my old neurology office!! i get to see the people i love whenever i want. it's the best part. while building new relationships, i get to continue the old ones. i do miss neurology. but, i've been entrusted with some medical assisting, and while it's not pretty, it's what i wanted. yeah!

now, the summer is at hand. the pools are open! (praise be to the Lord. enter hallelujah chorus here.) i love the pools. next saturday you will find april and i- US weekly in hand, large cherry limeades in mouth, music in ears, bodies oiled up-poolside. it's really so wonderful i can hardly stand it.

since the summer is full of job and moving transition. (coming soon at the end of june- "the move.") the rest of it will be fairly low-key. those tale's will include:

a couple epic lady's nights downtown at the main 6 seeing sex in the city 2 and eclipse. (i'm such a nerd.)
a few concerts- the most anticipated being a much belated reunion with the counting crows. (words cannot describe how much i love them.)
a few royals games here and there. (yes, i do believe my friends have made a 'fan' out of me.)
we're going camping!!!!! (and by 'we' i mean, my sweet friends that don't really love camping but are suffering through a weekend in the ozarks out of love for me.)
KELLIE IS COMING HOME! (i actually start to cry when i think about it. it's been a long time coming. i actually picture myself bursting into sobs when i see her, and then i think about how that can't happen because it will scare baby Maya, and i can't have baby Maya fear me. and then i think i might not be able to control myself, so maybe matt should hold her inside until i am normal? it's true. i think about it.) can you understand the anticipation? it's like the other half of me, people.
THE STURMS ARE COMING! THE STURMS ARE COMING! (i'm not sure when yet, because they don't know, but they are coming. and i cannot wait to hug those munchkins. and brian and mindi too.) it will be a lovely, loud, and chaotic time. if it lacked any of those three elements, it would just not be a proper visit.

i think that covers it. i mean, zach is coming. lyle too. and i'm thankful they probably don't read this or they might be upset they didn't get their own 'bullet'. but i thought another one announcing the arrival of someone i love would be a little annoying to the readers. but, you get the point.

i promise to post pictures of my vacation with my mama. there's a couple pretty cute ones. but they are on april's computer. and he's at the doctor right now, getting a new hard drive. and i only blog on april's computer.

which leads us back to the original dilema. to get a computer. it's either, get a computer and pay for internet. or don't and keep my dvr. i don't have cable people. and i know i can watch my shows on a computer, but it's just not the same. i'm torn.

but at least i blogged. (and i read all your blogs on my phone. i just can't comment. boo.)

good news

2010-05-05T13:49:00.001-07:00

i have a job!!!!!!

a road less traveled

2010-04-16T20:16:00.000-07:00

the job hunt continues.

i turned down a job a week ago. there was no peace when i thought about working in that office. none- at all. i think the easiest thing would have been to take the job, i suppose. most people would say i'm insane in this economy to turn down a job. i wasn't sure i was making the right decision, so i laid out the fleece. a sort of, 'if you want me to take the job, then these are my requirements'. i decided an unwillingness to bend on their end, was an urging from the Lord to move on. i'm hoping i don't regret it. i'm mostly hoping i'm not insane.

i was telling a friend the other day, that it's been a long time since i chose the unknown. to trust the faint voice of God, or what i think is God. (i'll explain that statement later.) you see- when i pray, or sit, or think about being unemployed on june 1st, i have no anxiety. i just have an overwhelming sense that something wonderful is coming. i don't know what, but i'm rather sure of it.

there is a neurosurgeon i love and respect. i talked to him the other day and his office will be hiring soon. you see, it's neurology. i love neurology. lots of my patients now are referred to this specific neurosurgeon. we work very closely. i think it's pretty much a done deal, i just have to wait patiently for him to REMEMBER to hire me. waiting. and there is a chance this waiting could end in...unemployment. but i'm choosing to believe in the peace that exists in my heart. the one that's undoubtedly from Him.

so while i wait, i pray. and hope.

and this my friends, is the road less traveled. i think it's a road i used to wander frequently. when life and decisions were simpler. less dangerous. damaging. but life is scarier now. and the pretty, paved road seems so much easier. the one that says, take the job, be employed.

i do not easily trust. not anymore. i was so confused and manipulated not long ago. and when i chose to do the hardest thing of all, to leave my husband, it was not a matter of trust. it was a matter of survival. i had to choose to leave so that i would not die. i see that God opened the door of freedom from that slavery. but the whole year was such a time of planning, strategic and calculated planning. i had to make very cautious choices to survive. to escape. to hide.

in fact, i'm still hiding. i was walking lily tonight, looking over my shoulder for a blue-green eclipse. his new car that i've never even seen. trying to figure out the best way to get to safety if he drove by. i decided it would be best to run into the middle of the street and yell for help. that way he wouldn't stop, or at least for long. i decided that if he found out where i lived, i would just move out and pay the rest of my lease. (it's only two months.)

that's my reality. but this is different. i've learned to survive. i've spent over a year doing it. and after months of waiting, hoping, and praying, i feel like i can begin to trust the Lord. to trust that maybe i'm not crazy. that maybe the peace that i'm feeling IS from Him. and that faint voice IS His. that i can actually look to Him as a Saviour. as someone real who is going to help me with this next faze of my life. someone i believe to actual be bringing me something good. and the parts of me that hesitate and second guess, and want to hold on, are starting to let go.

and it feels so nice.

the process.

2010-04-01T14:39:00.000-07:00

gag. vomit.

i hate searching for jobs. hate it.

the axe finally dropped. i don't even remember the term they used. it all sucks. neurology consultants has to sell-out to the big man before my sweet, hard working doctors go crazy. my position is eliminated, and they sadly let me go.

i'm okay with it. not offended at all. i know they love me and think i'm a star employee. there just isn't a bad employee here, and they've all been here FOREVER.

the thing i'll miss most is

#1- this man. he's been like a dad. he listens to me ramble, tells me that i'll fall in love again one day, laughs at celebrity gossip, listens to me talk about tv, and life. he has been my friend. and newsflash- totally inappropriate to associate with a 67 year old man outside the workplace. so, aside from an occasional stop in to the office. the working relationship ends.

#2- trust. they so trust me to do nearly anything. it's not easily given in the workplace, and i have theirs.

#3- cocktail hour on friday's when the last patient walks out the door. it's so fun. (i mean, what doctor's office you know keeps a six-pack in the fridge and wine cart in the closet?)

#4-patients. i love our crazy, insane, needy patients.

#5-music. sweet dr. kelley brings me cd's he thinks i cannot live without. who does that?

that's not it. but those are the things i'm hoping to find in a new place.

i'm not even freaking out about this. (mass hysteria when i found out about the 'merger' in january.) but now, i have an overwhelming peace that something great is coming.

something great.

and i'd just like to point out......when grey's anatomy merged....there were some seriously hot doctors and a lot of making out. i kind of feel ripped off. i mean....i want my own mcsteamy.

i've got- mcnothing.

hot mess.

2010-03-26T06:22:00.000-07:00

ok. so, i love getting my haircut. i get my haircut at bijin in prairie village. it is my single-most favorite place in kansas city. it has it's own distinct fragrance line, and slippers, and robes, and quiet music. and did i mention a glass of wine while i wait? it's glorious.

jenni has cut my hair since i moved here. she's cute and sweet and cuts only curly hair. i never have any fears when i go see jenni. her hair-cuts cost more than a pair of shoes, but i can't bring myself to go anywhere else. one wrong snip, and i look like weird al. (and i only get three haircuts a year, so i think it kind of evens out with the rest of the female population?)

first, picture this: yesterday. haircut time. i decided to go straight from the gym to the salon. sweaty, gross, no make-up, red-faced, and in black stretchy pants and a sports bra.

now, jenni has an assistant. her assistant is always changing, it's usually someone who is starting out at the salon. said person is responsible for washing my hair, getting me a smock, taking my purse, getting me a beverage of choice, and giving me a scalp massage.

so as i'm sitting waiting to be taken back to the back- i'm actually getting a bit antsy. mostly because i've been waiting a few minutes, and i'm so sweaty i'm starting to worry that i'm going to leave a mark in the chair when i get up. (gross, i know.)

and i hear, "megan? for jenni?" and i look, and THIS is calling my name.i'm not kidding. i mean, he had a shirt on. but this is what this kid looked like. exactly. and i was mortified.

i don't have anything else to say, but that. MORTIFIED.

it's all because of the food.

2010-03-08T14:23:00.000-08:00

i totally dig award shows. like, love them. maybe it's because i love movies so much, or entertainment in general? i don't know. but my friends? they humor me. they come to my house, they fill out a ballot, they listen quietly while people give their (mostly boring) speeches. they eat and drink and bring something to help out. mostly for the fellowship, and they love movies, but mostly for me. and this year the oscars didn't end until 11:30!!! but they hung in like champs. sweet friends.

there were more of them (friends, that is.) but i'm terrible at taking pictures when i'm busy filling glasses and bellies. this is all i've got.

this is the spread. i can't take credit for all of it, sadly. but most of it kept me up all night saturday and working all day on sunday!

i'm most proud of my desserts! the little cheescake recipe was from redbook, called black-bottom cheesecakes, and they were delicious! the recipe called for creme freche, it was an excellent change in place of regular sour cream. and the other is irish coffee cupcakes. the frosting has whiskey in it. i had my doubts, but it was just enough to give the perfect flavor.

i told todd that if he didn't smile i would post this as 'todd passed out from drinking too much early in the evening." so, it is. (but not really.)

leah and shaune, the cutest little besties.

april doing what she does best. haha! really, she loves food. i don't know where it all goes.

because mindi doesn't

2010-03-08T10:52:00.001-08:00

a couple weekends ago i went to manhattan to visit my favorite family. (you can guess who it was.....) i joked with mindi that it was time to start blogging. she mocked me. so...i returned the favor and antagonized that i would do it for her. she laughed. but....like i said i would, here are some shots of my favorite kiddos. (in case you wondered how big they are getting...BIG. a small army, i might say.)

so...since mindi doesn't:

here's zeke. little, but with a BIG opinion. :) he's so funny.

here he is checking out the gecko. i'm not sure of it's name....
i'm lead to believe the name changes on a regular basis.

and the finished product of the disaster you are about to witness. the cookies. i made dough and some of the frosting ahead of time...definitely cut down on the mess and work time. but...i may have made cooper chuck some green frosting in the middle of the night due to sugar overkill! sorry brian and mindi!!!

a patient brian helping out zeke. or shall i say "monitoring the frosting intake?

the only picture of mindi i could manage. and a picture of a very grown up elijah. (i know you're not supposed to have a favorite, but how could i not love this face?!? don't tell him i said that, he's far too grown up to have 'aunt megan' gushing over him.)

and a very grown up emma as well. she took this job very seriously. and made sure to nab every 'girlie' cookie cutter possible.
(turned her nose up at the teenage mutant ninja turtles....what am i supposed to do with flowers and ribbons??? this girl is ALL girl!)

and my very own heart with my name on it. the best one i've ever recieved. elijah was very proud and couldn't figure out why i didn't want to eat it right away. i might have saved it a couple days....but e- it DID get eaten!

eating the goods all along the way.

zeke managed to lick several clean. we snuck them into the trash when he wasn't looking. trust me, no one wanted to eat those!

poor cooper. little did he know, that frosting was not going to stay with him long. seriously. how

cute is that face? ugh. so cute.

coop helped me make frosting during the day. and i couldn't tell him no when he requested licking the spatula. those eyes. no one can resist those eyes.

the boys rocking out to michael jackson. they're so hard core.

i mean really, look at these eyes. i told cooper that his father will have to teach him to use them for good, not evil. seriously, the sweetest little batman ever. my hero.

on a more serious note, i got to go to challenge with mindi on thursday and listen to brian speak. so much fun. it was sort of surreal to be in a place that held so many memories, but to feel like such a different person and to wonder how to return to a place where faith seemed much simpler. the journey with God certianly does change as we experience more life. regardless, hearing brian is always special and important. thank goodness for that. i'm so thankful that they have walked SO much life with me. and that they know me so well. family.

anyway, it was a priceless weekend. my goal is to have these weekends as often as possible. this family is so precious to me. i really just don't know what i'd do without them.

and for the record, after over 48 hours....i now know why mindi does not blog.

music

2010-02-23T10:22:00.000-08:00

i love music. i mean, love it. it might be my single most favorite thing in the world. there are so many things i cannot do without the sound of something wonderful in my ears. like- work out. i've been known to walk into the gym, hop on a treadmill, and if my ipod battery is dead- i walk out. i suppose that's not a monumental statement from anyone who might be reading this. duh. megan loves music. but i seem to be finding that i appreciate it so much more in the last year.

here's the thing. mario and i had completely different taste in music. not completely different, but well, we listened to mostly salsa, meringue, bachata....things not in english. which is fine. i LOVE that music too. we danced, we shared a love for dance. latin music brings me joy, but not being in my native language, it's hard to be completely inspired by something i can't fully understand.

so rediscovering my ears has been the most fun thing from my newly single life. i find myself listening to new things all the time and thinking, "how did i NOT know about this?" like, there's not enough time in a day for me to sit quietly and listen to new things.

here are things i currently can't get enough of:

i know. it's a bizarre combination. if there's something you haven't heard of, i can't really take the credit for discovering any of these gems. i have friends that have ridiculously amazing taste in music. (thanks to ben, michael, matt, todd, the list goes on.) but, if it's something you would consider complete crap- that's me. like i said i love music, but dance is my second favorite, and who can't get down to lady gaga?

check them out. hopefully you'll find yourself truly inspired.

what are you listening to?

as promised- the 30 greatest in my 30th.

2010-01-31T08:02:00.000-08:00

(in no particular order)

1. My mom (after two check-ups) remains cancer free.

2. My super-rad turqouis walls, and super-cute living space.

3. I went to California twice, and had the time of my life.

4. I lost thirty pounds. (With thirty more to go...) 5. Two weekends ago I laughed really hard. (I remember wondering last Christmas if I would ever laugh again.)

6. My mom's family spent Thanksgiving together, for the first time in 30 years!

7. My arm DID NOT get wripped off by the zip-line. (It was a close call.)

8. I joined a choir.

9. I learned to shop for myself at the grocery store, after shopping for someone else for several years.

10. I danced. And danced. And danced.

11. I got to go see Mutemath with Matt T.

12. April and I went to Oklahoma to visit and old friend, and her super-cute son.

13. My car hasn't caused me any problems.

14. I started work at Neurology Consultants, Chartered, and have never been happier in a work environment. I truly love my job.

15. I went nutso over the Twilight series and have felt like a complete teenage girl with my friends.

16. I was on the Price Is Right! Finally...a long-time goal. (Shout out to my dad, who would be so proud.)

17. My brother and I have bonded over movies at the Mainstreet 6.

18. I have had a lot of fun with these ladies.

19. I went out on New Year's Eve and spent it with people I barely know. A big girl moment for me as I would have rather stayed home.

20. I tried really hard to grow things.

21. I have the most fun, amazing, loving, brilliant friends in the world. (See top)

22. I re-learned what I like. Movies, concerts, music, food....I went to a lot of all of thee above and loved seeing parts of me come to life that I had long forgotten!

23. I pinpointed some major issues I've been having in my relationship with church/God/etc. Now....solving them....I'll let you know how that goes at my 40th. ;)

24. My dog. She's so much good fun.

25. I learned how to make boundaries and say 'no'. Maybe I say it too much, now?

26. In the few 'Mario Encounters' I had. (Two in person, and two on facebook.) I was able to handle the situation without fear, conflict, and letting it destroy my day/week. I hope I never have them again, but I know now that I can survive them.

27. I got a Starbucks gift card for Christmas. (I know, I know. But I really love it that much.)

28. I cancelled cable. A tough, but very good decision. Thank goodness fot Netflix.

29. My divorce was final on March 13 and I was so happy to take back my last name! April stood by my side and it was NOT a day of tears! Praise the Lord!

30. I'm alive! I laugh on a regular basis! I have a safe place to live!

So that's it. 30 has been the best year by far in the last 4. I'm smart enough to realize I couldn't have survived this year and ENJOYED it without the prayers, provision, and support of many. So, thanks! I'm not so scared of 31....in fact, I'm sure that it can only get better!

something grand.

2010-01-29T14:25:00.000-08:00

i should say something. but i haven't had the time. it's true. i don't have a computer, which i suppose i should remedy at some point, but i stare at one all day long and can't imagine giving any attention to one in the evening. (picture hunched shoulders and brooding carpal tunnel.) so my blogging opportunities are few and far between.

i'm getting ready to round off the big 3-0 next week. and 30 has been great. so, maybe i'll blog some highlights this weekend. post some pics.

but for now, know that i'm well. and trusting the Lord, something that i don't do as easily as i once did. but with so many things up in the air for the upcoming year, i'm glad He leaves me no choice.

happy friday.

happy monday.

2009-11-09T07:44:00.001-08:00

just because. he's gorgeous, isn't he? you're welcome.

hmph.

2009-11-09T07:07:00.000-08:00

an entire month has passed since my last blog. and i'm not sure where it went, but i can give you an update to my super-stellar fall.

in september...i visited the sturm....."army". i'm not sure how and when they became an army, but many they are, so that's what i'll call em'. it was wonderful. i love those kids as if they were my own little nephews and niece, and brian and mindi's home continues to be one of the safest places on earth. it was fun...we went to wal-mart and picked out a new wii game for emma. a "girlie" one, so that she could have something of her very own to play amongst all those boys. and then cooper and elijah helped pick out a new gecko. i bought elijah "dash" (may he rest in peace) when i left manhattan, and it was time for a replacement. all in all, it was a trip i need to make more often. and i will.

in october.....i went to the kings of leon concert at sprint, and then the mutemath show at the beaumont. let me state both were excellent. it's good i saw k.o.l. first, as mutemath blew them out of the water. i'm not entirely convinced that mutemath is more brilliant than k.o.l., i just think at this point in their career, they are allowed more musical freedom. you know, big sprint venue with time restrictions, etc. regardless, i was left inspired. and reminded once again how music is so very important to me, brings me to life, inspires joy. i love that about me.

and i got to see the thiessens. which also have proven to be one of the coolest families to walk the earth. i love them. matt and michelle have a faith i admire and find inspiring, a great sense of humor, and impeccable taste. and i guess have decided they need an army of their own. their children are beautiful.

and finally, california. it was a good time. except i nearly ripped my arm off doing the zipline at zach's camp. and perhaps one night i encountered far too much tequila. tequila and i will part ways for a very, very long time. perhaps forever. it did however, numb the pain of the rope burn temporarily.

let's see......we strolled the santa barbara pier, (and ran into seal, and the klum children. how fun is that?), played at zach's camp in ventura, ate good seafood at rodondo beach, stayed at a gorgeous hotel near beverly hills, and dined with some good friends. and drank with some good friends. and dined again. we did venture to the price is right, which was a great time, but a bit exhausting. and we layed out by the pool!!! which sounds totally sad with this fall weather at hand.

i thinks ben said it best when we were heading to zach's the first night. he mentioned how great it was to be on vacation with people he could be authentic with. it's true. the four of us travel well together. (april was sick and couldn't make it. her presence was missed terribly, but we'll do it again.) i'm not sure how it all works because we're so different. i think it works because we know our weaknesses and strengths. and understand it is everyone's vacation, so we take a genuine interest in making sure everyone is doing exactly what they hope for. i love, love, love spending this time with them. it's so special and i love, love, love the friendships that we have built on these trips.

upcoming excitement for november??? NEW MOON!! it's going to be terribly wonderful. and thanksgiving with my mom's family for the first time EVER.

i'll try to post pics, but you get the point.

2 Samuel 14:14

2009-09-30T10:57:00.001-07:00

i've been so busy the past couple weeks that it wasn't until i had a phone call from a friend saying "just making sure you're breathing", that i realized an update was necessary. i waited until yesterday passed to make the final proclamation-

I HAVE SURVIVED THIS YEAR!

and if i might add, with flying colors. i can't believe it! it's been a year! and you know what? other than the august slump and a couple down days in september, it wasn't as bad as i expected. always prepare for the worst, that's my new motto.

there is one memory that remains more vivid than others i would like to share, because i think that in comparison, it really shows the restoration my God is capable of.

during one of my first weekends away, i think my mom thought it was the best idea to take me shopping. yeah! shopping. what girl doesn't want to go shopping? and given every single thing she wanted? that's what i got, that day. she bought me a closet full of new clothes for the fall/winter. i think i even got a coat. sweaters, a purse, everything. and then, afterwards she took me to lunch. chinese food. exactly what i wanted. and i just sat there. i wasn't eating. i think i smiled. i know i said, 'thank you.' but i do remember my mom getting up to use the restroom. and as she walked away i thought, 'i bet she is terrified'. i mean, can you imagine, as a mother, walking that road with your daughter? no make up, pale, not eating, no smile, blank eyes. the worst for her had to have been the blank eyes. i remember thinking how scared she must be. that the girl that sat there did not resemble her daughter at all. and i wondered, would i ever be her again?

well, i am her. i really am. on sept 26th i woke up and thought, 'it's here.' and then i thought, 'IT'S HERE!' and better yet, 'i have NO REASON to be sad, now.' i'm alive. healthy. happy. and better mentally and spiritually than i have been in years. so, i celebrated. i got myself starbucks on the way to work and toasted freedom with my coworkers and ate dinner with april and laughed about all the things that i no longer had to endure. it was a good day. i didn't give him one single tear. not one.

and not that they won't creep in every now and then. i acknowledge grief is a circle and not a race with a start and finish. i am aware that i will surprisingly burst into tears when i hear salsa music, eat a taco, or see a bulldog. but, the worst is behind me. i have survived one year. every holiday, anniversary, reminder, and mile-marker. they are done.

i am well, friends. thank you for your prayers and support. i know that you are out there. remembering me. thinking of me. loving me. thank you. we can all celebrate.

"Like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be recovered, so we must die. But God does not take away life; instead, he devises ways so that a banished person may not remain estranged from him." 2 SAMUEL 14:14

it's like christmas eve.

2009-09-08T10:22:00.000-07:00

so it's no secret i'm trying to make it through the fall. and as hard as i expect some days to be, the anticipation of fun times ahead is doing a wonderful job of keeping me distracted.

when i was little i couldn't wait until christmas morning. my mom always used to say, "the soooner you get to sleep, the sooner santa will come." so without fail, every year on december 24th (the one night my parents would not have to bribe me to go to sleep), i would rush to bed. i would lay there and squint my eyes so tight. i always hoped i would drift off to sleep with lightening speed, knowing the night would pass in a second and i would get to open my presents as soon as i awoke.

that's how i feel about this fall. the line-up is amazing. probably not amazing to the average person, but amazing to me. here are some of the things keeping me up late at night with the happy anxiousness of a 5 year old.

#1. leah kraft is turning 30, and as my friends tend to roll...the party is going to be sick. i like dressing up and going fancy places, and this is sure to be one for the books. sept 26th. good friends. good food. surely someone will do something obscene. i'm hoping.

#2. oct 13th. i get to spend one lovely evening, with the lovely miss kelly jackson, watching these lovely boys....i'm sort of obsessed with the sound of them. i love caleb's voice. kings of leon. love it.

#3. october 22nd through 26th. if anything is bound to be ridiculous- this is it. california- revisited. it's round two of the 30th birthday extravaganza. same crew. same state. same fun. and this time, the price is right will not be canceled. i cannot wait to spend time with these kids. can. not. wait.

#4. i love my boss. let me say it again, i love my boss. i actually have lots of bosses, but she is my direct supervisor. lorraine. she's amazing, kind, generous, thoughtful. i love learning from her. we have so much fun being a team and learning to be a better team. but the most fun thing about lorraine is we giggle like junior highers. about lots of things. she introduced me to the twilight books. i hated them, detested them. and now, i'm obsessed. she teases me all the time and puts up pictures of rob pattinson on the walls by my desk. it's great fun.

so on november 21st......it's national appreciate lorraine day. i'm so excited. she's a very practical woman, and i'm not, so i'm going to take her to do something that she would never do for herself. new moon premiere downtown at the mainstreet theatre. it's going to be really fun.....who would disagree?

#5. halloween haunt. my brother and i do this every year. we love it. well, he loves it except i scream and cling to him in sheer terror. but, he lives with it. world's of fun becomes fright fest every fall for halloween. i'm hoping we never get too old for this.

#6. and finally for thanksgiving, for the first time EVER, the my mom's siblings and all my cousins are getting together in the most western of kansas to celebrate. it's something i've pushed for, for years, and never won out. but this year, we've rented an entire house and are all going to barricade away in wakeeney, kansas. i'm sure that i will want to escape as soon as i am trapped with my mom and her sisters, but for now, it will be so special.

isn't it all so great? i just cannot stop counting down the days.

f-f-f-f-funk.

2009-08-11T10:06:00.000-07:00

disclaimer: i like to write. it helps me process. i like to be boldly honest. and i'm a dramatic person. you've been warned.

it happened a couple weeks ago. i'm not sure when to be exact. sort of like a black cloud settled in. the haze was confirmed when i was watching 'sex and the city' the movie, for the hundredth time, and i got teary at a part that i never get teary at. "crap."

i'm so used to waves of grief over the past three years that i immediately start going through the files in my mind. first i think, "am i missing mario?" then, "or my dad?" then, the why..."what holiday is it?" or, "what was i doing this time last year?" i thought and thought- nothing. in explainable.

my mom came up to rescue me the weekend before last. she's good medicine. we didn't do anything special. she was just....there. and for a moment, i felt stronger and less sad.

i talked to her the next monday. my wonderful, spirit-filled, intuitive mother. i was kind of down still, and she said to me, "i'm going to tell you something, because i haven't spoken up in the past and i've regretted it. so be patient as i tell you." in return, i listened, as i have not in the past, and too, regretted it. she nailed it on the head and it took me a moment to absorb the truth. in fact, i'm still absorbing it.

it's august. oh, august. i'm not sure of the last time i enjoyed an august. it's august when my dad stopped walking. or talking. when we went together to get our tattoo's. when i said my last of good-byes that he would be able to say a good-bye to me, in return. it was the last time that i would hear him tell me 'i love you.' (something i wish i had recorded.) it's also august when i began to acknowledge the truth of my very short marriage. that i would not be able to survive much longer under the circumstances. it's august when i would leave him for the first night- ever. to contemplate what i was going to do, and how long it would take me to do it.

august is my, 'brave face month'. i hate- august.

and that leads us to september. september, which is not far below the totum pole of august, but just enough to be in the lead of "the suckiest month". ever. september 29, 2006 was the day my dad died. september 21, 2008 was the day i had the balls to leave my husband. and, they weren't even my balls, but really that of those who were brave enough to step in front of me and make the hard choice. thank god, for them, i say. it was- an intervention.

september blows. i despise- september.

so here i am. a little more worn for the wear. maybe a lot? but still wearable. and as i said in the beginning of this ramble, i'm used to the waves of grief. it's just learning to swim when i feel like sinking. i guess it's really about thanking the Lord that He gives me the ability to figure myself out, and also the smart ones around me to help point that out. it's about choosing not to sleep, or eat, or drink, or do any of those really dangerous coping mechanisms people do in the midst of conflict and crisis. the one's that cause addiction and getting lost. boo, on getting lost.

so, for the next 8 weeks, i'm going to dig my feet into the Rock. and try and stay standing. and get out of bed. and go to the gym everyday even though i don't want to. and put on make-up. and not have ice cream or chips in my house. :) and get through it.

the anniversaries i care to not celebrate.
i wonder, will i ever like september or august? ever again?

the squeals of teeny, tiny girls

2009-07-30T07:18:00.000-07:00

this experience in my life cannot go un-noted.

last night i went to the jordin sparks/jonas brothers concert. yes. i really did. it's sort of unjust because i know that there are teenage girls out there that would do anything to get into that show. and i could really care less. i mean, i don't even know their names. or their songs. or their ages. (however, thanks to TMZ, i do know their love lives.)

my friend ben scored some last minute free tickets (he's kind of the hook-up like that) and asked me to join him. let's state for the record that he only wanted to go so he could hear jordin sparks, and i obliged, cause i thought it'd be fun.....in a scary/surreal sort of way.

it completely lived up to all my expectations. the sprint center holds 16,000 plus bodies. and on this particular night these 16,000 bodies were teeny-tiny-boy-crazed-itty-bitty-screaming-monsters. i mean....every time someone said 'jonas' they would burst into the most ear-curdleing squeals. itty-bitty squeals. i mean, it's one thing to go to a justin timberlake show, where the girls have at least grown out of the little girl scream, but this was awful. and it NEVER stopped. just a steady scream. i'm guessing the average age was around 10 years old. (with accompanying mother or sister or aunt.) after jordin performed we decieded to stick around just to watch the freak show a little. we mostly laughed, and after our ears counldn't take anymore, and we got a sufficient amount of gigges- we left.

let me also state that jordin sparks was awesome. i'm not really a fan, but now i might be. she expressed such a genuine heart of gratitude for her life and her fans. she even stopped a second to talk about self-esteem with these 16,000 little ladies and sang a song about god's love for them. it was actually kind of cool. i really think she was worshiping and praying over all of them while she stood there in the middle all alone singing about jesus. not many people in her place would have the balls to do that- and really mean it. i'm a fan. officially.

wet floor. sweaty bottom.

2009-07-16T07:27:00.000-07:00

let me start by saying i LOVE 24 hour gym classes. i've been going to them for almost four years. i'll even say that it's my favorite evening activity, and i'll forgo hanging out with friends in order to enjoy my classes. i also have a membership to the YMCA via my mom (so i can work out in topeka) that is good anywhere, but i don't care, i love my gym. i'll pay for it.

let me add on that i have a routine. something monday, tuesday, etc., etc.- except for wednesday. that's my free night. i usually just do some cardio on an elyptical, stretch, and go home. HOWEVER, this wednesday (last night), was different. my ear buds broke on my ipod, and i absolutely cannot work out without music. it makes for the longest. work out. ever. so....i decided to hop in to a TKB class, led by miza. i have done one of her classes before and remember it was a good work out. (let me add also that i am a total gym class SNOB. i can tell you the best teachers in the city, and i won't go to the bad ones. no matter the situation.) what i DON'T remember, however, is that she is a total drill sergeant and that i needed to fear for my life!!

it was packed. which is a good thing. it means she's good. maybe 40 bodies in a room built for the clearly marked 28- above the door in fire-code fashion. and we were off. no warnings, no hi's, no "my names is....welcome to.....". nothing. (which is fine. i could do the warm-up in my sleep.) but we were doing the newest round. which i hadn't done yet, because the class i normally attend is still doing the last one. i was actually quite proud of myself because i was picking it up more quickly than normal...avoiding looking like a fumbling idiot. and then it happened. about 20 minutes in the floor was covered in sweat. too many people. small space. not enough fans. dehumidifier not cutting it. and things got slimy.

i was so worried about slipping and busting a knee-cap. most instructors would say "be careful", or "watch the floor ladies", but not her. she just kept on. the girl behind me fell. nothing. miza reminded me of a gymnast on crack. i wanted so plea, "i like my knees. i need them." i was happy to be cautious and careful. apparently, she thought i was a wuss.

to top it all off....at the end of class, we do squats. now, being cautious of my knees i was doing very hesitant squats. i was wobbly. tired. shaky. covered in sweat. so this results in less than proper form. according to her, this was unacceptable. so, you know what she did? she came by and yelled, "TIGHTER!", and gave me a good shove. any other day, i would think, "oh, she's telling me how good i'm doing, that's nice." but not today. as i lost footing from the push, nearly falling over, i thought, "she's really trying to kill me." isn't that special?

and you know what? i'll go back next wednesday.

shiny, sparkely, Jesus

2009-07-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

this sounds like an advertisement, and a description that doesn't quite sound reverant enough, usually, i would be mortified. but today, on this grand day of 07/08/09- something miraculous has happened.....

MY MOM DOES NOT HAVE CANCER!!!!!

isn't it glorious? weeping on the floor, thank you, thank you, Jesus wonderful? it is. and maybe to appreciate it's wonder you need the background.

my mom had cancer in 2000. and after surgery it didn't come back. my dad had cancer in 2006. and he did not win that battle. mom gets cancer for second time in 2008. (not even two years after i lost my dad.) and to be honest it just didn't seem fair. we do the surgery thing, it's gone, and we hope for the best. and one month ago, we found out that mom has cancer for third time. super bummed. defeated. bleck.

now....in the past days, during this most recent cancer dance i sat down with God and said outloud, in my big comfy chair, all alone in my apartment, in tears: "i know that there are no guarantees. and no limitations on what i should or should not have to endure because, that's not how you work, and who am i to question you. but really, i think i've had enough- for now. i need a break with all this. i know you're going to do what you do, and i'll learn to be okay with that, but please, please, please, make my mom okay. i just need that. that's it. please." now, knowing how my God works, and knowing that i've had lots of big requests in my life, and most of the time, i don't get my wish list. i instead always get to walk the "you give and take away, you are still God and worthy of my praise" road again. i don't mind that road, but it isn't my first choice this time.

but low and behold. TODAY, i got MY MIRACLE!!! i've been waiting all my life for one of those moments that i hear about. when He shows up just like you asked to give you your every desire. and He did. that's all i wanted. shiny, sparkley, Jesus showed up and took her cancer away. my mom got a call from the doc and it's gone. "i guess it must have been scar tissue", they said. never mind the fact that they nearly had my mom's surgery scheduled and her radiation weeks after that. she doesn't need it! just another check up in 3 months.

thank you, thank you, Jesus. for being so sweet to me, and showing me a side of yourself i have never experienced. i feel so special and important in your great big world of need. thank you for answering mine.

my safe little space

2009-07-07T08:06:00.001-07:00

i think i've said before how wonderful my new home is. it's small, and not even really mine, but it represents so much that i truly thank to Lord for bringing me there every single day. i realized life isn't about having what we want, or things in perfect order, but it's those little things that bring me so much joy. you see, in this apartment, i picked out everything. the colors, the music i play, the tv i watch, the food i cook. and all in all, that sounds amazingly selfish and self-centered. but only if i hadn't spent the past two years as a stranger in my own home. you see, no one can yell at me here. no one can tell me i didn't do something right, no one can leave me in the middle of the night and not come home until six in the morning. no one can disrespectfully not take care of my things, and no one can make me cry. it's my safe place. and it's been too, too long since i had one.

welcome.

it's not done yet, but i thought i'd show you a few of my favorite things.

this is my white couch. yes, white. i'm not sure what i was thinking, but i know i bought these pre-husband and pre-dog. glad to say they survived and i really think that God smiled on me, and let all the stains come out. i made all the new pillows....i love paisley. that pattern makes me smile. and yes, my walls are turqouise. i love them. it's the perfect and exact shade i was hoping for. i think it has been stated as "little mermaid", but everyone agrees it's awesome.

and these are the other pillows i made...and the otomon i covered myself in the paisley that i love. the picture above is fun and reminds me of a very special stepping stone, my time working with kel. and now, it reminds me of restoration and the truth that God is always devising ways to bring us back to him, and to eachother.

and this is the corner....my mom helped me make the curtains, too. i had more pics than this, but they didn't upload, and i'm still working on a few things, so we'll try some more when the product is finished.

and this is my little mess, i haven't finished. and to be honest, i'm stuck. i have these black shelves to hang next to the large picture, but i'm not sure what to put on them...candle holders, i guess? but the wine cabinet is such a blessing. i have been looking for the perfect one forever, and i finally found it. in perfect condition on craig's list. for $40 bucks!!!! and the pic above it my grandma painted, she says it's her favorite one she has ever done. the other half of the room is great. super annoyed i didn't get pics uploaded right. i refinished a dresser and other stuff.

more to come soon. come over, anytime.

try as i might

2009-07-07T07:38:00.000-07:00

as i told you earlier, i've been trying to grow things. i do not have the green thumb of my mother, it seems that whatever she touches blooms and thrives. maybe, it's a skill that comes with practice, but here are my small efforts, courtesy of my mama.

let me start by saying this plant(picture top right) i had in manhattan. (eeka and linds you might remember) it was in the front room of the fairchild house about 10 inches tall and 3 little leaves held on for their dear life. when i moved to kansas city, my mom took custody and she swears that she only 'sat it on the back porch and watered it here and there'. please note also that at this point the plant is so tall i had to get the world's largest (and now heaviest when filled with dirt and said plant) planter to contain it's mass. it will take many men to bring this inside for the winter.

my other adventure was several hours of digging and removing leaves/old mulch in the two beds that surround my little patio. my mom helped me plant iris (that will bloom next spring) along the fence, and lots of cone flowers, daisies, lilies, and black-eyed susans to fill the newly cleaned beds. i can't kill any of those hardy flowers. they have just now started to really grow and bloom. (these pics were taken a month ago.....)

and please notice in the pic to the left, my sad, teasing little tomato plants. they have grown even bigger than when this picture is taken, and i'm not sure what i'm doing wrong, but i can't get the darn thing to blossom and give me food. ugh. so frustrating.

however, in the left above, right behind my chairs, you can see my herb pots. they are nice and bushy now, and i've even added a couple more. they house basil, thyme, sage, spearmint, pinapple mint, chives, parsley, cilantro, lavendar, and some bug be gone citronella smelling thing.

those are my efforts. any word on what to do for the 'maters? i'd take any help i can get.

silly jillian

2009-06-30T07:37:00.000-07:00

i love the bachelor...and the bachelorette. any season, you name it, heather and jenni got me hooked on this way back when. it's a fairly entertaining ritual. women all across the u.s. gather around their televisions, in groups, with food.....only to gawk, stare, swoon, and laugh at the trainwrecks.

this season, i have grown especially fond of a break-dancing, funny man. his name is michael. and he is 25. which is considerably young for miss jillian. however, he is adorable. not my type as he has blond hair and blue eyes, neither of which i have ever cared for in the male species. but he is absolutely endearing and wreckless and i find it refreshing. this WHOLE SEASON i have been hoping that the intelligence of this woman would catch on to how cool michael is. (see below) but....she gave him the boot. and as i absolutely despise tearful bachelor exits, his was sweet and sort of horrible. (i felt so bad i had to watch it through my fingers as my hands were over my face.)

now....even more disturbing (but NOT surprising), jillian kept wes. who, even though being accused of already in a relationship, has greater problems. like....no personality? nothing to say. just a bunch of 'i don't knows' and such. he gets on my nerves, but more so, i'm disappointed that she can't see through the guitar.

i would, however, come out of my hiatus for michael. even though i have sworn off men forever, especially those of the younger caliber.

turning 30

2009-06-24T07:54:00.000-07:00

ps......did i tell you that i went to california for my thirtieth birthday with some very wonderful friends? ben, april and i flew over to visit our friend zach. he works at a camp in redlands, california, so we started out there for a couple days, went to disney land, and then went to l.a. for the rest of the trip.

ben had the hook-up staying at a super-sweet hotel on hollywood blvd next to the kodak theatre. we went to a taping of ellen, the bonnie hunt show, and american idol. we roamed around venice beach for a bit, ate some good food, and didn't eat most of the time. (we were super busy, going here and there.) we watched the ku/mizzou game with a bunch of la-bound jayhawk fans and that was fun. but really, we spent most of our time in a fun bar, that i wish was in kansas city.

we met matt, rich, and lyle......who made the trip even more fun because we knew where to go and what to eat, and those boys provided lots of laughs. though they might say it were april and i who provided the most entertainment. (after four long islands i might say they were correct, on one occasion. what? it was my 30th.)

anyway, it was a fantastic way to kick off a new decade, gladly leaving the last one behind.

summer

2009-06-24T07:23:00.001-07:00

i'm waiting to blog about my summer adventures until i have some pictures to post...but stay tuned for the following:

tales of painting: i found the perfect little mermaid teal to paint all over my living room. and after what ended up being 'caution sign yellow' all over my kitchen walls, i am nearing the end of covering up that disaster with a much more mellow mustard.

the secret garden: my mom hasn't worked in her flowers for two years, (since my dad died), so i have spent 2 weekends (the 3rd coming up in july) slaving away, uncovering what has been long unattended. i've mostly been digging up bricks and landscaping, killing off overgrown crabgrass, putting said bricks and landscaping back, weeding, digging, weed-eating some more. it will take all summer, but next summer it will be brilliance.

not-so-steel-magnolia's: i have what i believe to be the world's largest magnolia tree outside my apartment. i've been watching the blooms form, and they too, are ginormous. now, i thought with such a hardy tree, and blooms the size of my head, that i would be enjoying these for weeks. nope. seriously, this is what my life has come to, waiting for a flower to bloom.

patio pots: i've enjoyed working outside lately. it started last year. i slaved away at our [mario and i] house last summer. it was hard, and hot, and in the end, wonderful. now i have a two pretty decent sized flower beds at my apartment, and a large patio. so....i planted lots of flowers in the beds and mulched and raked and sweated. and in a few pots i planted sage, oregano, cilantro, parsley, mint, thyme, chives, lavender, and a couple bug-be-gone herbs. they are doing quite nicely. what is not doing so nicely? my tomatoes. the things are growing, getting taller, bigger, but NOT ONE BLOSSOM. i anxiously await tomatos. i talk to the thing, pray for the thing. nothin'. i will be so disappointed AND disgruntled if i don't get anything. poo.

not-so-happy....

2009-06-16T14:12:00.000-07:00

...anniversary.

i've got a hard core case of the grouchies/weepies this week. i'd love to say that i have the amazing ability to talk to myself in the mirror, say 'get over it', and it be that easy, but it's not.

yesterday was mario's birthday. 'happy birthday, mario. wherever you are.' i have seen june 15th looming on the calendar for about a week and dreaded it's coming. unknowingly yesterday, i came to work, and the first time i typed it- 6/15/09, my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. it was like going down a rollercoaster, except i really like rollercoasters. i can say that i truly thought i was going to kick yesterday's ass, having made so much progress these last months, i really thought i might conquer. but, i lost. on the way home from work yesterday i burst into tears, and quickly found myself on the couch in complete 'mope' mode. i can't quite describe the feeling. it was like i was missing something, and like i should have been doing something. i mean, for the last few years i've cooked the dinner, made the cake, planned the party. and this year, nothing. it's truly the most bizarre out-of-body experience. to feel completely cut off from someone i used to share EVERYTHING with.

and to add insult to injury. saturday is our wedding anniversary. so, here with the memories of what i was doing exactly one year ago. walking down the isle....dreaming about the future....celebrating....cutting cake. ugh. gross. vomit. it's like taking a big sharpie and scribbling all over the pretty memories in my head. wanting to be happy about something that just doesn't have any happy left.

my mom says to remember that i won. that i got the better end of this deal. that i am no longer abused, yelled at, and left all alone. and i think i'll try to cling to that. to celebrate the fact that God set me free and pulled me out of the pit when i really thought i was stuck, for good.

anyway, those are the tales of the divorcee for today. sucks.

happy friday

2009-06-12T09:31:00.000-07:00

this is my screen saver at work.
i like to think he's smiling at me.....and now, he's smiling at you.
enjoy.

it's love

2009-06-11T06:52:00.000-07:00

i brought home my little bundle of joy on sunday night. (my fuzzball dog, lily, that my mom has been harboring for me until i was settled.) and to be honest, i forgot how much work it is to have a dog. nine months of freedom is a long time, and i had become used to doing whatever i wanted in the evening.

lily's pretty fun. 9 pounds of cuddles and kisses. i like to refer to her as "the only good decision i made in two years." (it's really true.) but the problem is i am completely ridden with guilt when i put her in her kennel every morning, and return every evening....around 10 hours later. i realize that most dogs spend the majority of the day by themselves, but you need to understand that lily spent the last 9 months in dog heaven. ferserious. my mom is retired, with two cats, my brother, and lots of time. so this dog of mine had 'round the clock attention and playmates. so imagine her little down-turned ears every morning when i part. it's not fun.

as a result of guilt and the desire to be a GOOD dog-owner, i have now managed to drag myself out of bed at 6:00 every morning to feed her, take her on a walk, and play with her before i go to work. now, mind you, i go to the gym every night, so this 'exercise' is not for me. it's for her, and it goes something like this: step-step-sniff-step-bark-step-step-piddle-sniff-sniff-poop. for thirty minutes. it's not fun, but it does edge off the guilt a little, and i know she feels better.

anyone knows where to get some doggie prozac?

Breaking Up

2009-05-29T08:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Celery,

I've tried. For years, I have been trying to make this work. I walk by you in the grocery stores, and I admit, that you draw me in. I see you sitting there, and I know what you're capable of. I hear the stories people tell about how wonderful you are. I know what you have to offer. But I just have to step away. Over and over again, I've convinced myself to give you a chance. And every time I do, there you sit- in my fridge, for days, weeks, months. Until finally, I throw you in the trash. I know, I know, you're crisp and fresh, but- it isn't enough. I just, well, let me say it- I think you taste awful. I like you in my tuna salad, but that's it. I don't like you with peanut butter, or ranch, or in salads. I just can't keep this charade up anymore. I've given it my best. I've even tried preserving you in tupperware full of water. I know it gives you a longer life, but no ammount of time is enough for us. I just can't give you what you deserve. This is it. Really, this time. This is goodbye. I know that you deserve more.

Best dishes,
Megan

this is a bad idea.

2009-05-26T09:31:00.000-07:00

ok. so i cancelled cable. (decided i could go without the utter filth, and accept the free channels my little antenna provides.) and this weekend there was nothing on the tube, except an infomercial that i watched for about fifteen minutes.....

introducing 'the new wave oven'. i watched this only because i could not tear myself away. i'm sure this is a bad, bad idea. one that those who cook with it will regret in about ten years when their children start mutating additional appendages from consuming anything cooked in this device.

let me explain. the new wave oven asks that you place FROZEN food in it's chamber. and this thing cooks pounds, upon pounds, of FROZEN meat in minutes. and entire turkey, FROZEN, in 2 hours. who thinks that this sounds normal? does this not scream nuclear problems?

i don't get it.

memorial day weekend

2009-05-26T08:20:00.000-07:00

i'm convinced that my mother is lying about her age. she never stops. and the woman is 63. she really is amazing. there are lots of things i learn 'as i get older', but appreciating my mom at this depth is something i wish i would have had done all my life.

she came up friday night to see me at work and meet all my new co-workers and doctors. (of course she came with gifts, because she had combed through her flower beds and brought lots of bulbs and plants to give away.) once we got to my place, we unloaded her car. (full of things that had been stored at the house in topeka.) she refinished the leaf of my dining room table, which had been ruined in the move, and it looks absolutely PERFECT. she's amazing. handy-dandy, that woman. she also brought lots of flowers for my place.....and we spent about 10 hours in my flower beds this weekend. i'm convinced that the grounds keeper at my complex sucks, hard core. there was about 2 feet of old mulch on my patio, along with whatever winter debri had not been removed. it was a mess. but now, (pictures coming soon), it's beautiful. i have an herb garden, a couple tomato plants, and the most overgrown rubber plant you have ever seen. (the pot we ended up planting it in will NEVER move.) on top of all that we went to ace hardware about 5 times, combed the prairie village garage sales, met my cousin for lunch and pedicures, finished sewing my curtains, (but NOT on sunday, my mother refuses to sew on a sunday), watched a couple flicks, walked the dog, and worked in the yard some more.

it's really fun to have that time with my mom. makes me miss my brother. and wish he could come visit more often. and when trying to hang shelves, and it doesn't quite go right, makes me miss my dad. cause he would've tore that up in about five seconds. i'm really lucky to have such a great family. i've always said, "we might be a small bunch, but we certainly are mighty." i realize that at 30, i spend a lot more time with my family than the average woman. but i don't care, cause it's really fun. and in hindsight, i wish i would have spent more time with my father, so there are few things i'd rather do than hang with my mom.

she really is the best mom in the world.

not that interesting

2009-05-18T10:48:00.000-07:00

i'm really bad at this. i think blogging is supposed to be funny. at least, all my friends posts are really funny. funny things happen to me, but then i forget. and this week was pretty significant, so maybe i'll tell that story.

on wednesday, may 20th, i will have officially hit the nine month mark. and it's a happy anniversary. it means i've come a long way, and that the 'first year' is almost over. i've survived almost all of it. halloween, thanksgiving, our 'when we started dating' anniversary, christmas, new year's, valentine's day, easter, and now there seems to be only a few left. our wedding anniversary, his birthday, and the fourth of july. i think those will be pretty difficult. i'm going to miss camping over the fourth. we camped a lot, and those weekends were some of our happiest. i love camping. not sure that any of my friends love it, so maybe i'll have to let that one go for awhile.

this last weekend i moved. for the last time. i'm home. and it is perfect. i never thought i would be this happy to live all alone, with my little dog. though i seem to be surviving the memories of the past, i'm so excited for the future. after a long weekend of painting, moving, unloading, loading, unwrapping, and dumping. april, kelly, and i sat on my couches (that have been in a gargage for the majority of this year), turned on the tv and relaxed. that moment seemed very surreal. i can't believe i'm here. with all the things that i love. my pots and pans. my pillows. my bed. i know they are just things, and they can't make me happy, but they make me feel like i can do one of the things that brings me the most joy, and that is being a good homemaker. i'm so happy to be home. i really can't explain it. i cried out of sheer relief/joy/disbelief/humility with my mom. i'm home. i have a home. it's not anyone else's, and no one can yell at me or make me feel scared or alone or abandoned. i'm free.

i'm sitting here typing, kind of annoyed with my wordage. i like to write, and i'm crazy with proper grammar and flowing sentences. and the above jarble is horribly written in my opinion. but it reflects how i feel. totally in awe and barely able to speak. i can't quite put it into words how great it is to have a home. but i have one. and it's amazing.

that's all.

on the move.

2009-04-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

since it's been awhile on the update... these are the facts:

Since moving to Olathe with Randy and Josh, I never really felt like I adjusted. It's a super far commute to any of my good friends, and I just seemed to sort of isolate myself. The boys were rarely home, and I think I felt more unsettled as time went on.

So, I started apartment hunting, hoping to find something I could move into near the end of the summer. I ended up finding something in Prairie Village, and they had an opening in June. It's a little sooner than I planned, and a little out of my newly "single" budget, but I felt like it was a good decision and just decided to trust God with my finances. (I would need to find another source of income....)

In the meantime, I'm back with April. Lily is back with my mom. It was the best decision for my spirit and my fellowship.

The divorce is final, and I'm finishing up the taxes for Mario and I. I owe quite a bit because we are filing seperately, but I'm hopeful that this will be the last financial burden I face as a result of our marriage.

I'm not quite sure how this story ends up....nor do I think I will understand how it unfolded, for some time. But, I do know I'm a little bit more of myself everyday. I don't think the "pre-Mario" Megan exists anymore, but I think the "post-Mario" Megan is similar to the old one, maybe just a little bit smarter, and a little bit more wary.

gadgets

2009-04-09T12:34:00.000-07:00

i can run a PC in my sleep. i understand my phone, (to a degree). i can somehow manage to get music on and off my ipod. i know photoshop, electronic medical records, and whatever else i've figured out along the way. last week i tried my hand at the drums via "rock band". and mariokart and i equal total domination.

enter, ps3. my nemesis.

not too long ago the price boys, april and i decided to hibernate an entire saturday. the whole day. it was glorious. we put a blanket up over the window as to enhance black-out mode. rented a couple flicks. ate some...ate some more. and we watched an awesome movie on the ol' ps3.

three days later, in an effort to not purchase my very own copy of the flick from blockbuster, i tried to return it. except it was stuck in the sacred tomb. (aka- the ps3.) i use the phrase "sacred tomb" in all seriousness. because that's how secure this thing is. (well, at first glance.)

effort #1- push all buttons possible on the front of the device. nothing.

effort #2- push all buttons on a hand controller. nothing.

effort #3- wave hands like a stark-raving idiot in front of device as if to set of some magical sensor that would set my captive dvd free. nothing.

effort#4- wish my roomates were home to give instruction.

effort #5- return to punching buttons. combos of buttons. combos of waving hands and pushing buttons. nothing.

effort #6- wish my roomates would answer their damn phones.

effort #7- wave arms fast. wave arms slow.

effort #8- daydream throwing said device against a wall.

effort #9- finally realize there is a power button hidden on the back. push eject. sigh of relief.

moral of the story: i'm going to go buy a Wii.

processing

2009-02-20T10:08:00.000-08:00

my counselor told me to journal. i'm too impatient to journal. i think too fast, get annoyed, and quit. so i thought blogging would be good.

i've been processing a lot lately. my dad's death. my upcoming divorce. i think my pride gets in the way most of the time. thinking, "how did I become that girl?" it's a gross thought. the deep hearted truth of that question needs some serious time, but lately i can't help but think about jess and joel.

i sang in their wedding. "give me one pure and holy passion, give me one magnificent obsession...to know and follow hard after you." i prayed that a great deal over them and cora, during her stay in the hospital. thinking of their young love and that wonderful day, thinking of them full of hopes and dreams. sure that never would have dreamed they would lose their beautiful daughter to cancer so young. my heart hurts for them. i had a three months to say good-bye to my dad. i can't imagine processing such a devastating surprise.

and then i remembered the day i decided to leave my husband. i literally felt like i was dying. it hurt to breath and think. and i wonder daily if they feel that ache. praying that they will have the peace to breathe and sleep. sleep being the only thing that kept me sane in the exhaustion of living those first few days without Mario. every movement cause pain. and i truly thought that it would never stop.

life is so uncertain. and the pain of loss is truly unbearable, at times. but, i am making it. and so will they. probably with more grace than i ever did. but the strong survive. and He makes us strong. i'm stronger now than i ever thought i would be again.

praise the Lord.

favorite moments of the new year: part 1

2009-02-15T09:14:00.000-08:00

here's to looking better at 30, than we ever did in highschool.

for megan's 30th birthday we rallied together as many of the 'old crew' as we could and

hit t-town.

the evening went as follows:

megan in her birthday hat.

drink the size of my head #1

drink the size of my head #2

are we really at jeremiah bullfrog's?

THE END.

and the following weekend...

april helped me celebrate my 30th in style with a wickedly awesome birthday cake and flowers from my new boyfriend...justin timberlake.

it's time

2009-02-14T17:23:00.000-08:00

so it's here. i'm thirty. and i'm not quite sure that makes my life interesting to read about, but i am sure that it is a new day. a new year. a new era. and...i miss kellie. and ginger. and dave. and jess. and really, the list goes on and on. so long in fact that i don't have the time (nor the Sprint minutes) to do all the 'catching up' i'd like to do. so....i'm caving to blogging. life's been a little bumpy lately. ok, a lot bumpy. and i'm learning how important it is to stay connected. so this is another attempt. no matter how technologically challenged i may be. here i go.